The Jabberwock

PROLOGUE

It’s 7:30 pm and I’m going to the communal shower my floor has, making sure to watch my step for all the piss puddles and concerning stains on the floor. I walk to the 3rd to last shower and begin my nightly cleanse. I step in before removing my towel and placing it on the silver hook right outside the curtain. I turn the water on, standing there and thinking for a few minutes before urgently turning the heat of the water down as it begins to burn my skin. As I think, I revisit all the things that went wrong today, deeply analyzing every mistake I made. 

I try my hardest to wash the day’s muck off my skin without scrubbing too hard and hurting myself, but the sweet-smelling Dove soap I put on my wash rag only works to comfort me. I step out of the shower feeling more satisfied with all today had to offer, now bathing in my newly found optimism. I began to reflect some more on the journey back to my room. 

As I open the heavy door, I am given another moment to cherish. My roommate isn’t here. I walk in and quietly shut the door behind me before I see a note on my bed, folded roughly. 

“Not gonna be home until 10 or something, don’t miss me ❤ – Owen” I can’t help but roll my eyes as I crumple up the small piece of paper and throw it onto his messy bed. 

Underneath my pillow are the pjs I neatly folded this morning. The pants were thick, black, and covered with Batman symbols. My  friends made me buy it for our movie night together before moving away.  The shirt was plain and white, but now worn out with grease stains. I bought it from Walmart the last time I went shopping with my mom. I swiftly put them on as my skin began to tighten with goosebumps from so much of my bare skin being exposed. It was already June so my building was constantly blasting the A/C to keep everything cool. 

I turn off my light and get into bed, gently moving the shark plushie Naomi got me as a joke over. I hate the ocean– and she knows that– but the shark plushie was cute and it had a faint hint of her scent, so I kept it close anyway. Soon after laying down, I felt my eyelids grow heavy, and I began losing the strength to fight off sleep.

 I’m not sure how much time passed, but my eyes quickly widened when Owen came in, drunk and stumbling. He was trying to tip-toe but  failing miserably and barely managed to make it to his bed. I found myself shocked and confused staring out into our pitch-dark room, but the obnoxious noises Owen let out as he tried to get comfortable helped me realize what was going on. I checked my  phone to see how long I had been asleep for and saw that it was already 3AM.

 Between the bright light of my phone blinding me  and the loud sudden movements Owen made before drifting to sleep, I had lost all hope that I would be able to do the same anytime soon. I laid there, shifting my body so I could stare at the ceiling. I put the shark plush on my chest, using its faint floral scent to ground myself. 

As I lay, I began to be tormented by my lack of sleep and active brain. My mind drifts far, into the thoughts and feelings I’ve been burying for years. I close my eyes feeling my body stiffen and turn numb. I don’t have the energy to fight it, I just keep my eyes closed, even as tears form and slowly drip down my face into my ear. My mind wanders further and further until I’m stuck questioning why I even woke up in the first place. It wanders deeper and my thoughts only grow darker and darker. I open my eyes, and realize…I’m still here. I’m not even sure why this always becomes such a dreadful moment for me. I don’t even know when exactly I started to feel this way, but every night it’s become an inescapable routine that even God can’t fix. This feeling got so intense once that for months, I started staying up all night hoping that they would never come to an end. Hoping to be stuck under this bat-colored sky with enough silence to make my heart stop pounding for all of eternity. But inevitably,  I would hear birds chirping their sweet morning tunes and everything fell apart again. I’ve become so overwhelmed with anxiety and aching pains even ibuprofen couldn’t treat.  Another day has come, I’d say to myself.  I have to live yet another day, with the same routine and the same feeling as before.

I grew so tired of this feeling, trying my best to escape my everyday life full of repetitive interactions but, in the end, always failing. I thought that instead of running away from my days, I should  turn my life into night and sleep at any chance I get. Or better yet daydream, just for a chance to feel okay again because it was all becoming too dreadful to handle. As a child, in fact, I remember my head spinning with the thought of death. Not in a serial killer way, instead I fantasized about my own death. About how one day it will all be over for me, and all the issues in the whole world will disappear. No more violence, no more hatred, or at least no more tears shed by my mom when she thinks I’m not home.

 I was a very normal kid, especially happy for the most part. But for some reason I was never able to shake the feeling that my death might save the world, or at least my family. Maybe if I wasn’t here my mom could’ve had a life free of worry, a life where she could spoil herself with all the money she makes or even have someone else to spoil her. Deep down though, I don’t think I want that for her either, which makes me feel even worse.  

Now at the age of 20, I wonder what would’ve happened if I went through with those brain eating thoughts. Part of me always planned on it happening. I didn’t think I’d live to 14, let alone 20. But here I am, and I’m more confused and stagnant than I’ve ever been. I’ve been begging the universe  for something new, something fulfilling; but it seems like the more effort I put into getting my life together, the more it all falls apart. I want to keep trying to bring my life back together, but I can’t help but feel like it would be better to give up completely. There isn’t even much I want to be in this lifetime, something or anything in general would be fine at this point. But mornings like this make me question if I should even exist at all. 

I’m brought back to reality as I began to feel a slight vibration near my right shoulder. I shifted and began searching for my phone that somehow got trapped and buried between the folds of my blanket. 

RING RING RING. 

Who could possibly be calling me right now? It’s 5AM and the sun hasn’t even risen yet. 

“Hello?” my voice sounded hoarse and almost cracked.

“IGNACIOOOO” I know you’re up right now. Hurry up and get dressed. I want to get breakfast with you before class starts”. Hearing her voice made my brain go quiet and I tried to hide my contentment. I don’t want her to feel like she can do this every morning, even though deep down I really don’t mind waking up to her voice every day. So I let out a quick sigh before I responded.

“Well good morning to you too, Naomi. I don’t mind going out for breakfast, but I don’t get paid until Thursda-”

“Boy. I didn’t ask you all that, I told you to get ready. I’m hungry, so don’t take long. See you soooon!”. She hangs up before I even get a chance to respond. This girl, man. I can’t help but laugh a little. Right after the call my alarm went off  and I decided to drag myself out of bed and start getting ready. I gently place my feet on the soft carpet, tiptoeing  around my dorm so as to not wake Owen up. I get halfway to the door before I hear my roommate mumble something. 

“Huh?” I asked in a loud whisper, just in case he was sleep talking

“When’s the wedding?” He was still mumbling but I could tell he was annoyed. I wonder how someone can be half asleep and an ass at the same time? I give up on trying to be quiet and walk normally to the door. I switch the light on and I hear him suck his teeth before pulling his blanket over his head. I look at my mirror, seeing my face slightly red and my eyes a little puffy. I drowsily search through my dresser for an outfit before settling on a black pair of jeans and light gray sweater. I make my way back to the bathroom and I find myself gently smiling. I wonder what food she’s in the mood for right now.