The Jabberwock

Liking a girl is weird isn’t it? 

It’s weird when you see a really pretty girl and the only thing you can think about is how soft her lips would be and what her hair would feel like. It’s even weirder when you watch that girl walk away and in comes a boy whose hair compares to Timothee Chalamets and who’s built like a brick house. And you find yourself thinking about both of them. 

Liking a boy is safe. It’s easy to like a boy since everyone else likes them too. But a girl…. 

There’s an endless stream of what ifs.  What if she doesn’t like you? What if she’s straight? What if she thinks you’re weird? What if she outs you? What if she’s just being nice?

And then you start thinking. “But I still like that boy. He’s literally the incarnation of the guys I always wanted to have. I want to have a boy who will hold the door open for me and care about me.” So of course you come to the logical conclusion that you can’t possibly like a girl if you want a boy to date you. 

A little while later you might be having some other thoughts once you see this girl walk by or see her featured in a dream. While you’re listening to Cardigan by Taylor Swift you can’t help but  remember that it’s her favorite song. For you it doesn’t make sense why you like this girl. A few days later it gets even more confusing. 

You’re sitting in her room and  she leans over and kisses you. Wow. A kiss. A kiss from a girl. You sit there confused out of your mind. Then comes the inevitable. 

“We’re still friends, right?” 

Friends. 

Friends? 

Friends don’t think about the things you do. Friends don’t touch hands in the halls like we do. Friends don’t kiss each other for fun after a lifetime of hints. Hints that you could possibly be something more. Anything. 

Friends are nice and ask each other about their boyfriends and which new guy they like. Friends don’t stay in on a friday night, kissing on their bed. 

“Yeah, sure” Comes your feeble reply. 

It doesn’t make sense. 

You promise to yourself you’re not going to let this happen again. Just pick a cute guy and get on with it. 

You find a cute guy, he’s cute, a little awkward but funny. He leans and whispers in your ear,

“You’re my girlfriend, right?” 

Girlfriend. 

You think back to the time in the room, on the bed. You think back to the girl with pretty hair and her soft hands. But she and you are just friends. Just friends.

 “Of course.” 

You should be happy right? You finally have the boyfriend you’ve always dreamed of. But some things are not right. You find yourself pulling away from him when he gets too close. You’re not laughing at his stupid jokes, you don’t want to answer his texts or his calls. 

You lie in bed staring at the ceiling. What is wrong with you? You’ve always wanted your perfect boyfriend, with his perfect curls and cute smile. But for some reason you keep thinking about the girl. That was a mistake. A big mistake. 

The phone rings. 

It’s her. 

“Can we talk?”

She’s over in 5 minutes. You’re sitting there, on your bed this time. And she’s watching you cry, holding you close. Closer than you’ve been with your boyfriend. And this is it. She looks at you. You know that look. You’ve seen it before. 

She kisses you. 

You push her away, crying even harder. 

“Don’t you understand that it’s killing me. Being right here with you is killing me. He’s out there and he thinks I like him. But I can’t like him. Something is wrong with me. I don’t know what you did. You broke me. I can’t function anymore. I see you everywhere, I can’t stop thinking about you.  I can’t do this anymore. This thing with us. I can’t. This has to end.” You cry. 

She looks at you and smiles. 

“Ok.” 

But for some reason she’s not leaving.  She stays. She stays for the rest of the day. As she gets up to leave, she hugs you.

“Be my girlfriend.” 

What. 

She smiles watching you turn red. She turns around and leaves you there, reeling in your thoughts. 

But it’s wrong. You can’t be with a girl. What will you say to your parents? And your family? They’ll never live it over, how can their perfect little girl bring home a queen instead of a king. It’s wrong. You should like boys. Everyone else likes boys. Why can’t you be like everyone else? 

But you do like boys. So why do you like boys and girls? Why? It doesn’t make sense.  Maybe it doesn’t have to make sense. 

The next day you break up with your boyfriend. You tell him that it’s not working for you. She’s waiting for you outside, with a smile on her face. 

You hug her, and invite her inside. 

This feels right.