The Jabberwock

Sad? Where’s my dad? When will he be back? Why?
Was it me? Why does he always leave?

These words have echoed in my mind for as long as I can remember. Sometimes, I would wait by the phone, hoping for his call. There were promises of visits that never happened, birthday cards that never came. And I always wondered, is this what a dad does? Is this how love is supposed to feel?

Eventually, those early words I used Dad, Father changed. It was hard to keep calling him my dad because a dad wouldn’t do this to his daughter. A dad wouldn’t leave her waiting, leave her questioning if she was enough, leave her wondering why he kept disappearing.

I’ve spent so much time blaming myself. Was I not good enough to make him stay? Why did he keep making the same choices, knowing they would take him away from me?

He’s been in and out of my life like a shadow. He was always disappearing. He always promised he’d change. But promises don’t hold when they’re constantly broken. And here I am again, wondering when or if he’ll come back.

I love my father, but it’s hard to love someone who keeps hurting you and to trust someone who’s never there. I used to believe in him so much, but not I realize that believing in him meant I was always waiting for things to be different.

But I can’t wait forever. I need to live , too. I need to build my dreams and future, with or without him. And as much as it hurts to say it, I know now that the father I wanted him to be, the one I needed, might never be who he is.

So, maybe this isn’t a eulogy for my father because he’s not dead. But it’s a goodbye to the hope that he’ll ever be the dad I needed